好友即益友/郑嘉诚(新加坡)

经历社会洗礼,更能体会为什么有人说“你会在中学或大学遇到这辈子最好的朋友。”小学和幼稚园时期,我们还太小,除了无法记得发生过什么事,在情感和认知能力方面也还无法建立长大后才能体会的联接。而出社会打滚与工作后,更是不易遇到真心好友,毕竟很多情况下,没有经历过同样的文化体系,此外长大成人后的各种利益纠纷也是原因之一。人生难免遇到一些奸诈狡猾之人,我常常怀疑这些交朋友是为了利用或喜欢背后插刀之人并没有体验过真正的友情,或是他们所谓的友情嗅起来都是带铜臭味的。若出社会后还能遇到益友,得好好珍惜。而我觉得好友和益友的有时分别不大,因为真正的好友,我们不需要从他们身上得到任何“益处”,他们的存在与相伴在侧,一起笑一起闹,就令人快乐。

既然朋友是人生的重要一环,心理学上也对友情进行了研究和分类,其中有的将此分为五个层级:

第一、陌生人。陌生人是那些在生活上遇到,还没有交际的人,可能是在车站或回家路上常常遇到的人,或是某店员,可能还没有打过招呼,甚至连点头示意都没有过。从陌生人过渡到下个阶段,最重要的对彼此的印象,印象还不错的话,可能会增加对彼此了解的好奇心,然后开始有交流。

接下来就到了第二阶段,泛泛之交。这些泛泛之交可能是在社交场合、工作环境或是共同朋友圈聚会时认识,但是也仅仅是基本的交流,像是交换联络方式、名字,可能也是会在工作上有交流,而且许多人也可能一辈子都停留在泛泛之交的阶段。

能够进入朋友定义,并且人数众多的就是第三阶段的普通朋友。在普通朋友面前我们会维持着最好的形象,我们心情好的时候愿意和他们聚会,可是如果是心事不宁的时候并不会想和他们分享。

第四阶段,就进入了好朋友的范畴。好朋友是在经历长期的相处之后,彼此会非常熟悉,我们彼此相信,并且愿意对彼此付出,对彼此的存在感到放松。生日或是一些欢庆的日子会有他们的身影。他们会支持你的计划。有周末活动或是假期打算“搞事”的话,他们也是首选之一。

最后,是友谊的最高层,挚友。有些人可能拥有一群好朋友,可是大部分真正的挚友常常只有一个或几个。挚友常常伴随一生。你不介意在挚友面前展示脆弱的一面,比起好朋友,挚友拥有更深厚的感情链接,他或她见证过人生带给你的伤疤、也看过你的快乐时光。对彼此,并没有什么特别需要保留的部分。                            

经过岁月洗礼,益友通常都是介于第三至第五阶段。益友难寻,庆幸这些年遇到了很多好人和好友,我的朋友们,我会因为你的存在而感到快乐,可是我们有天终将离开彼此,原因或是死亡,或是无常,且行且珍惜。

  • 摄影:周丽雯(澳洲)
  • 主题:益友
  • 上一篇文章链接:恶政下/廖天才(马来西亚)

4 thoughts on “好友即益友/郑嘉诚(新加坡)

  1. Through social baptism, I can better understand why some people say, “You will meet the best friend of your life in middle school or college.” In elementary school and kindergarten, we are still too young to remember what happened, emotionally and cognitively. In terms of ability, it has not yet been able to establish the connection that can be experienced when you grow up. After rolling and working in the society, it is even more difficult to meet true friends. After all, in many cases, they have not experienced the same cultural system. In addition, various interest disputes after growing up are also one of the reasons. It is inevitable to encounter some treacherous and cunning people in life, and I often suspect that these people who make friends to take advantage of or like the knife in their backs have not experienced true friendship, or that their so-called friendship smells like copper. If you can meet good friends after you leave the society, you must cherish them. And I think there is little difference between good friends and good friends, because true friends, we don’t need to get any “benefits” from them, their existence and companionship, laughing and making trouble together, make people happy.

    Since friends are an important part of life, friendship has also been studied and classified in psychology, and some of them are divided into five levels:

    First, strangers. Strangers are people whom you have met in life and have not yet communicated with. They may be people you often meet at the station or on the way home, or a certain store clerk who may not have said hello or even nodded. From strangers to the next stage, the most important thing is the impression of each other. If the impression is good, it may increase the curiosity about understanding each other, and then start to communicate.

    Then came the second stage, the general turn. These general acquaintances may be met in social situations, work environments, or gatherings in a common circle of friends, but they are only basic exchanges, such as exchanging contact information and names, and may also communicate at work, and many people also It may stay in the stage of generalization for a lifetime.

    Those who can enter the definition of friends and have a large number of them are ordinary friends in the third stage. We will maintain our best image in front of ordinary friends. When we are in a good mood, we are willing to party with them, but if we are uneasy, we do not want to share with them.

    The fourth stage is to enter the category of good friends. Good friends are very familiar with each other after a long time together, we trust each other, and are willing to give to each other and feel relaxed about each other’s existence. Birthdays or some festive days will have their presence. They will support your plan. They are also one of the first choices if you have weekend activities or vacation plans to “do something”.

    Finally, the highest level of friendship, best friend. Some people may have a group of good friends, but most true friends are often only one or a few. Best friends are always with you for a lifetime. You don’t mind showing your vulnerable side in front of your best friend. A best friend has a deeper emotional connection than a good friend. He or she has witnessed the scars your life has brought you and your happy times. For each other, there is nothing special to keep.    

    After years of baptism, beneficial friends are usually in the third to fifth stage. Good friends are hard to find. I am glad that I have met many good people and friends over the years. My friends, I will be happy because of your existence, but we will leave each other one day. The reason is death or impermanence. Just do it and cherish it. .

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